Our house backs up to Corps of Engineer land and the wildlife likes to hang around on occasion. Sometimes more often than not. And we do love it! However, when the wildlife begins to infringe on normal living and starts causing…terror, sometimes you have to have something relocated. Well that day came when I finally was at the end of my patience as a skunk had taken up residence under our foundation in a hole that was dug by an armadillo (that’s another story). This thing was “going off” about every three or four days, so our house had a constant odor that was, shall we say, not pleasant. I mean the smell was permeating the porous concrete slab and seeping through. So I thought I would sharpen my skills a little bit on the wildlife whispering front and trap this creature to have animal control relocate it somewhere else. The following are trapping lessons learned from a day as the skunk wildlife whisperer. The below has been experienced first-hand from yours truly.
- If you have trapped a skunk, do not attempt to put a towel over the trap. Something may happen you will regret. Not only does your house smell…but now you smell…badly.
- If attempting to put said towel over said trap and said attempt fails, do not attempt to cover said trap with said towel a second time. Or you well smell double bad. Am I crystal clear?
- Once you have finished your trapping work, do not walk into the house with clothes on. You must de-robe outside…fully. And I mean fully.
- Always wear gloves. Disposable ones preferably.
- Do not under any circumstances rub your face, your nose, your mouth, your hair, your ears, your neck, or any place remotely close to your head with your hands. Even if you have an itch, go into shut-down mode and your happy place.
- Do not touch your belt after wildlife whispering said skunk. If you have to unfasten your belt to get your pants off, use your elbows to grab the belt tongue to release. Or your teeth (yeah, I know that could look a little…umm).
- If elbows or teeth do not work as noted above, attempt to hook a belt loop onto a doorknob to pull your pants down WITH your belt on. If you are not skinny enough to wiggle out of your pants, I guess you are just…out of luck.
- For footwear when whispering said skunk, never wear Crocks. Never…ever…ever. I can’t stress this enough. They are like a sponge. That is why they are so comfortable. Nuff said…
- When approaching the trap, talk vewy vewy quietly to said skunk in a nice, smooth, easy, sweet voice. No manly stuff here.
- When approaching the skunk trap of doom, there should be NO…I repeat NO sudden movements. They see much better than our Texas state small mammal. That would be the…nine-banded Armadillo. Much experience here with those blind, dumb, knuckleheads…and it ain’t the same animal…STUPID.
- Never…ever…ever…trap the night before a holiday. This is no bueno. I cannot stress this enough. Animal control is not around the next day. They like to take holiday’s off. They will eventually get to you but not as quick as you would like.
- Always apologize to your neighbors on the side of the house where the skunk warfare of doom took place. Unless you don’t like them. That is, the neighbors (we know you don’t like the skunk). Then just have a drink and…laugh.
- Before you set your trap, ensure that anything around the area that you intend to keep OR use is moved far away. That would be garden hoses, garden hose holders, faucet covers, sprayers, drip hoses, barbeque grills, mulch bags, topsoil bags, potted plants, bird baths, storage bins, wind chimes, and lawn chairs. Just a few items to note there. If you can tack up a cheap, protective painters throw-away drop cloth to the brick on your house that would be very good. And, if you can pry up your deck boards without destroying anything before such warfare of doom takes place…and put them back down…you might think about that as well. Just sayin…
- If you do have to bag anything up and throw it away, DO NOT under any circumstances throw it away in your own trash. Inside trash AND outside trash = dumb, dumb and dumber. Find a dumpster (or dumbster) about 5 miles away, but make sure you take it in the bed of your truck, not the inside of the car. Einstein moment there.
- If your car or truck is low on gas or on empty, or you don’t have a truck, take the bag a few doors down to your neighbor’s house after midnight and put it in their trash. Why after midnight? That gives you time to saunter by during the day, scope the place out, and make sure they do not have a security camera. And late-night darkness is of course undercover. Then go home and have a drink…and laugh. Just kiddin’ there. I didn’t do that nor would I ever.
- When your task is complete, however it turns out, DO NOT wait a few days to hose down the place (that of course is if your hose is still useable/touchable). That’s bad karma there, allowing the porous concrete to soak up all of that warfare doom that you can’t really even see, which is all over the concrete.
- And when you are watering down the place of warfare, ALWAYS wear disposable gloves.
- When you are done hosing down the place of warfare doom and gloom, take your gloves and anything else you need to dispose of and refer to number 15.
- When you are ready to embark upon the house of horrors that you now live in, do not make it worse by tracking inside your new house of horrors anything that has morphed into, onto and through your clothes. That makes it worse! See number 3 above.
- And number 20 – shower, shower, and shower…again, again, and again. A little rub of vinegar with baking soda and dishwashing liquid could help. Maybe. Or maybe not. Kinda’ hard to tell when everything starts smelling the same in your new house of doom and warfare.
See ya on down the trail…
Mike – The Wildlife Whisperer
